Tuesday, February 1, 2011
You Want Me to WHAT?
After a few months have passed it is finally time for me to admit to myself that I am no longer just a little-bit pregnant. The weeks are flying by and June is going to be here in no time. I had to muster enough courage to skip to the end of the baby How-To manuals. I wished I'd had a few cocktails for that one. Spoiler alert: they all end the same. And it looks like it sucks. First off, there are these illustrations of what a breech baby looks like all squished up inside of there. It looks painful for all of us. Especially the one called Footling breech. In this jolly little illustration, junior has what appears to be one whole leg thrust down the birth canal. Now...I'm no doctor but that shit just don't look right. Underneath the diagram there were all these horrible words like "incision" and "abdominal muscles" so I just threw up and skipped to the next page. A picture of a baby's head with something stuck to the top. This one read "vacuum extraction" skip skip skip..."Mucus Plug", turn the page, "Not Getting to the Hospital in Time", not an option, I am hereby moving into my car in the parking lot..."Episiotomy"...what's that. Oh Jesus. Is there any part of this whole ordeal that isn't disgusting? This business is downright offensive! The only thing borderline pleasant in the whole Revelation chapter of What to Expect is the facial expression drawn on the laboring woman. Well, the one you can see. She's easy enough to find: she appears to be the first woman of color to make her appearance in the manual and she and her partner look happy as hell to be there. I wonder who they modeled her after? Can I call her and ask what her secret was? Maybe she hadn't read the last chapter yet. Or maybe her hospital has a bar. Either way, I hope that I look that delusional and relaxed when the time comes. I know I won't, but here's to hoping.