Monday, January 19, 2015

What Nobody Expects

Dated July 17th, 2014 "I have been putting off this post for a few months because I am swamped, and in part, because I don't even know where to start. Matt has cancer, which is WHAT? He was diagnosed in the beginning of June with Stage 3 testicular cancer. (And lord, I have typed out the word "testicular", like, nine thousand times since then-- and my damn phone still won't auto correct for it!) Most people reading this probably already know that info, and I am hesitant to be so self-indulgent as to assume that anyone is interested in what I have to say on the subject beyond "things are good, we're hanging in there" etc. But then I started thinking that maybe other...

Well, it's January now, and as most of you are probably well aware, cancer won and Matt didn't make it. I didn't have too much to say on the subject in July, and I guess I don't have much to say about it right now either. It's not that I don't have a lot to talk about, it is just difficult to put it out in little bits for public consumption. I only feel that if I don't address it on this blog, then I will never touch it again. It will be this hanging silence. I want everyone to know that the kids and I are doing well. We miss Matt every day, and we talk about him all the time. I got a new job and a new car, and soon we will be moving into a new house. With all of the sad changes that happened to us, it helps to have some happy ones, ones that would make Matt happy, too.

Being a widow is the pits, and I tend to hesitate before making complaints and jokes about raising the kids now, because part of me still thinks "well, at least you're here to do it, asshole". I don't want to not be funny, though, because that's such a huge part of my life, my personality, and made up so much of my relationship with my husband. But I don't want to be a crass, insensitive piece of shit either. So I guess the purpose of this post is twofold. First off, to acknowledge what has happened to our family and not leave it as the elephant in the blog, and secondly, to respectfully ask your permission to resume making jokes at the expense of my children and myself. Can we do that together, you and I? I need to get my little fingers back on the keyboard and make light of the everyday hassle of living with toddlers, and I need an audience. I'm simply not living if people aren't laughing at me. Maybe now that the ice has been broken I will be able to get back at it. I hope there's no objections! Xoxo miss you guys!