Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Have You Every Really Looked At Maternity Clothes?

My 5th month of pregnancy started last week.  I am at this fun in-between stage where my pants don't fit, my shirts all seem to have shrunk and the idea of swimming around in maternity clothes is abhorrent.  Have you seen those things?  From the outside, people love to think you're cute.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy compliments and lies as much as the next bloated gas-bag, but being a pregnant lady isn't as often as cute as seeing a pregnant lady.  I don't have a belly, all nice and round and ready for strangers to rub.  I have the goofy "bump" celebrities try to hide with big purses. The "is she or isn't she?", the "you ask cause I'm not going to" the "I'm just going to keep looking at her abdomen until she wants to shout 'YES! for god's sake, yes, I am knocked up, due June 4th, first one, we don't know the sex, we do want to find out, no, I haven't been sick, yes, Matt is excited and I do plan on working until I have this thing. Yes, I am pregnant, can we talk about something else now?'".
  So what the hell do I wear?  The other night I was getting ready for work.  I settled on a white t-shirt and black cardigan.  It fit, I figured, who cared if it wasn't terribly fashionable?  I ran to the mirror for one final check- with the curly hair- something just wasn't right...I looked like Andrea Zuccerman.  Not cute.  All I needed were some Gap khakis, possibly some Keds and the superior attitude only a 32 year old high school junior can pull off.  That's it! No more "well whatever, at least it fits".  I have to shop.
So it turns out maternity pants are hilarious and kind of ugly.  Not to mention that I don't exactly relish the idea of spending good money I could spend on cute, real, non-pregnant lady clothes on Target jeans with a spandex panel that extends to just under my bra (not kidding).  And, like, suburban lady sweaters.  It sends chills down my fashion bone.  Those Bella Bands are a neat idea but eventually those regular jeans just don't go all the way on.  Maybe I am in denial.  How big should I plan on getting?  I mean, I know this babe will grow and take me with it.  I just don't know how it expects me to look good in the process.  Isn't there some kind of Maternity Clothes Trading Organization?  On my honor I will return all these ponchos when I am done, just don't force me to buy a whole new panel-fronted wardrobe.
Maybe I will just go whole-hog and invest in some super ugly vintage tent-like jumpers from our mother's days.  Throw my hands up and say forget it.  How many mu mus can I collect in 9 months?  I really wouldn't mind that part.  Its the pants.  The god-forsaken pants.  Thank god leggings are in style, I guess.  Fashion Ruiner and I will just have to make the best of things.  Stay tuned, as I will certainly post some of the more alluring looks I come across.

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